An Unfinished Story: An Update

I should begin by mentioning that as I write this I am in pain. I am having an unusually off couple of days, so my words throughout this post are quite raw. I’m a true believer that there is so much beauty when we are raw and vulnerable.

One of the first things most people ask me when they see me is, “How are you doing? How is your back?” To which I almost always reply, “Good, I’m doing really good today”. Good is a relative term that I use to describe the fact that I am walking, I am absolutely becoming stronger and more physically capable every single day. I am functioning in every day life and I am in little pain.
I will tell you I’m good when I’m feeling good.
I will tell you I’m good when I’m not feeling good, because I know the pain to be much worse than what I am feeling.
Some days I feel physically and emotionally well.
Some days I feel physically well and emotionally unwell (or the other way around).
Some days I may even say that I am great, those days bring me so much joy and continue to happen more often, and for that I say, thank you God!
You may look at my photos on Instagram and think to yourself how well I’m doing, those are the days I am feeling good, great even.

Today I am thankful that I am back to work full time, which means I am helping to provide for our family, a burden I carried for so long.
I am thankful that even on the days when I feel pain, which is usually my body telling me that I need to slow down, I am often still able to get up, function and face (most of) my daily responsibilities.
I continue to struggle to find physical and emotional balance between work, marriage, motherhood and having a life outside of those titles. I’m accustomed to being busy, I like to be busy. My body cannot handle that level of busy that I was once use to. Instead of feeling down about that, I am creating a new normal for myself, one where I listen to my body but don’t lose myself, who I am and who I want to become. That part of this journey is definitely still a work in progress.

I am still working through a lot of grief and guilt. Like any grief a person may face, it comes in waves. There are days where I am happy and carefree (well, as carefree as you can be with a toddler). And there are days where I lay in bed or stand in the shower and cry over all the things I have missed out on in the past year and a half and what could have been in our future.
Grief. It’s something that is really, really hard to talk about because I’m never sure that it’s something I should be feeling (enter, guilt). I’m working through it, though. One day at a time.
(One day I’ll go into more detail about my grief, but today, I’m just not ready).

I have written the phrase “an unfinished story” before, and I will continue to refer to my updates as that because I’m learning so much in my unfinished process. I am learning how to pray. I am learning how to process the rollercoaster of emotions I go through in a healthy way. I am learning about forgiveness and grace. I am learning how to find peace amidst chaos. None of this has been easy - but I have never been one to back down from a challenge.

I have been reading the book It’s Not Suppose To Be This Way by Lisa Terkeurst, and is it challenging me. I just finished a chapter where she talks about how when difficult times come we like to encourage each other by saying “God will never give you more than you can handle”. However, it never actually says that in the Bible. She goes on to say, but what it does say is that He will never leave your side and is always with you.
That spoke to me on a deep level. There have been days and nights where I couldn’t handle what I was going through and feeling and questioned God over and over. No matter how many questions I asked, tears I cried or anger that erupted from my soul - He never left my side. He showed up - even when I pushed away. Whether it was giving me an unexplainable peace, sending someone to speak encouragement over me right when I needed it, providing for our needs or in healing, He was there; He is here.

So today I choose to find peace in my unfinished story.
Today, a day filled with pain and questions and frustration, I choose hope.